Thursday, June 30, 2005
As Fast As I Possibly Can
Um.
Somehow when I didn’t get the raise that I wanted, I still ended up getting the extra work. It’s beastly over here and I have had little to no time to breathe, much less write emails, write in this journal, write the upcoming play my company is doing. Actually seems like I’m missing out on a lot of writing. Shouldn’t I be missing out on a lot of acting? Well…yeah. Hmmmm…I just meant that my job has my fingers typing on the bone. Go away.
As I walked back from lunch with Ari today, I thought how happy I felt to be me. Seriously. I felt like an egomaniac and I loved every second of it. My confidence has bloomed and I’m wearing shorts and t-shirts and dammit if I don’t look just so adorable. Usually I cover up because my body is ripped central, but today that didn’t matter at all. I look good in my clothes and I feel good, so why shouldn’t I believe it?
It’s funny. When you lose your independence, you become this scared and insecure person that forgets all of the wonderful things that make you, you. But when you rediscover your identity and you start feeling the way that you did back when, it all makes sense again. It’s like when you smell something and you are catapulted back to that memory. This new feeling of confidence is like that smell…I remember it and I love it and I’m so happy with how comfortable this particular shoe fits.
I wouldn’t have felt this way had I not had lunch with Ari. There’s something about hanging out with someone who makes you feel good about yourself that does wonders for the psyche. Ari respects me and expects me to respect myself. Done deal. And now I’m no top of the world.
My birthday is Saturday. This is the first year of my life where I haven’t bombarded my friends with questions and worries as to what we’re doing and how much fun it will be. Birthdays are a huge deal to me and I’ve been known to blow wads of cash on ensuring that the person of honor feels like royalty. This year, Kelly and Angie are planning my day and I’m wicked excited about it. However, I’m also wicked nervous about it. When I talked to Ari today she said “Is this birthday thing still happening?” And I started to get those old feelings of UH OH. I should have taken care of this myself. But that’s just because I’m a nut bag and overly concerned about insignificant things. Right? I told her that the reminder evite would be delivered by tomorrow so there shouldn’t be a worry.
I hope.
I’m going to be 28 y’all. Holla? Nah. No hollas. Just weirdness. My friend Meggles said to me today that this will be the best year of my life. And you know what? I think it just may be. Each New Year’s I think that the upcoming year will be when I’ll make changes in my life and be happier. But it never happens. Without me even fully understanding it, I’ve made changes this year and it’s like a ball that just keeps growing and growing and molting into something new and unexpected.
28 very well may be the turning point of my life. The moment when I grow up, walk out on my own, live my dreams. God, it scares me. Success…happiness…spontaneity…it all freaks me the fuck out. And maybe that’s why I was living in a depressive hole for so long. I was afraid to enjoy and be surprised by what life has to offer.
And now.
Now.
Now, I’m moving forward. I no longer sit in the audience.
Rock it out 28…I’m fucking ready for you.
Um.
Somehow when I didn’t get the raise that I wanted, I still ended up getting the extra work. It’s beastly over here and I have had little to no time to breathe, much less write emails, write in this journal, write the upcoming play my company is doing. Actually seems like I’m missing out on a lot of writing. Shouldn’t I be missing out on a lot of acting? Well…yeah. Hmmmm…I just meant that my job has my fingers typing on the bone. Go away.
As I walked back from lunch with Ari today, I thought how happy I felt to be me. Seriously. I felt like an egomaniac and I loved every second of it. My confidence has bloomed and I’m wearing shorts and t-shirts and dammit if I don’t look just so adorable. Usually I cover up because my body is ripped central, but today that didn’t matter at all. I look good in my clothes and I feel good, so why shouldn’t I believe it?
It’s funny. When you lose your independence, you become this scared and insecure person that forgets all of the wonderful things that make you, you. But when you rediscover your identity and you start feeling the way that you did back when, it all makes sense again. It’s like when you smell something and you are catapulted back to that memory. This new feeling of confidence is like that smell…I remember it and I love it and I’m so happy with how comfortable this particular shoe fits.
I wouldn’t have felt this way had I not had lunch with Ari. There’s something about hanging out with someone who makes you feel good about yourself that does wonders for the psyche. Ari respects me and expects me to respect myself. Done deal. And now I’m no top of the world.
My birthday is Saturday. This is the first year of my life where I haven’t bombarded my friends with questions and worries as to what we’re doing and how much fun it will be. Birthdays are a huge deal to me and I’ve been known to blow wads of cash on ensuring that the person of honor feels like royalty. This year, Kelly and Angie are planning my day and I’m wicked excited about it. However, I’m also wicked nervous about it. When I talked to Ari today she said “Is this birthday thing still happening?” And I started to get those old feelings of UH OH. I should have taken care of this myself. But that’s just because I’m a nut bag and overly concerned about insignificant things. Right? I told her that the reminder evite would be delivered by tomorrow so there shouldn’t be a worry.
I hope.
I’m going to be 28 y’all. Holla? Nah. No hollas. Just weirdness. My friend Meggles said to me today that this will be the best year of my life. And you know what? I think it just may be. Each New Year’s I think that the upcoming year will be when I’ll make changes in my life and be happier. But it never happens. Without me even fully understanding it, I’ve made changes this year and it’s like a ball that just keeps growing and growing and molting into something new and unexpected.
28 very well may be the turning point of my life. The moment when I grow up, walk out on my own, live my dreams. God, it scares me. Success…happiness…spontaneity…it all freaks me the fuck out. And maybe that’s why I was living in a depressive hole for so long. I was afraid to enjoy and be surprised by what life has to offer.
And now.
Now.
Now, I’m moving forward. I no longer sit in the audience.
Rock it out 28…I’m fucking ready for you.
